there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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