dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
my poor anus
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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