Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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