The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize