I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
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Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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