Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
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you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
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