I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
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my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
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How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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