Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
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I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
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I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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