Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
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please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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