I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
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that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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