I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
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Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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