apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
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You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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