____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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