He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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