My sheets look like a crime scene.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
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I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
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The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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