Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Is it penis luge time yet?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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