I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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