My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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