I looked at my own cervix.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
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HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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