I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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