My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
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Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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