I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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