Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
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Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
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Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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