We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
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I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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