Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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