When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize