Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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