DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
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She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Two words: blizzard sex
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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