i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
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Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
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What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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