I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
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WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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