Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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