Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
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He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
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There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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