I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
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Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
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So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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