I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
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He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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