Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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