is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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