i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
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For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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