my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
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I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
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He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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