Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my shit smells like andre
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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