When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
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I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
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I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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