Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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