nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
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Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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