Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
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i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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