just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
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how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
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I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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