i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
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Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
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If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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