You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
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Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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