the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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