I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
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He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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