i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
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No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
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I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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