Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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